While I have tried all of these resolutions at some point in my life (with varying degrees of success), it's that last one I want to pipe in on, because it's a topic very near and dear to my heart. Yes, we have all been on first dates both where we could not imagine how the other person functions in real life and also where they are the greatest human being we've ever met, but for some reason they never called. While I cannot entirely guarantee they'll call (some people are just jackasses), here are five tips that I can make to ensure that you are putting your best foot forward in getting that second date.
1. There are Two Goals on a First Date
In my experience, people on a first date fall into one of two categories: those that are trying to prove themselves and those that want you to prove yourself. This is in a way how it should be. The point of a first date is to find out compatibility, and to see if this is a person you actually want a second date with, and someone that might be worth giving up an evening or two a week from your busy schedule.
However, it's critically important to remember that you should be focusing on both the proving and the deducting. For years, I'll admit that I was more about proving myself. I wasn't a particularly skilled dater, and when I actually went out I felt like I needed to do what I had to to make sure they wanted to ask me on a second date. As a result of this, I ended up wasting a lot of time on guys that liked me, but I learned I didn't really care for. Eventually I learned that I had to actually care if the other guy was someone I saw myself with, and that resulted in me having a lot more successful dates.
What I've found in most of my dating life is that most people had the opposite problem that I had-they go into a date trying to figure out if you are right for them, which is correct, but they aren't willing to show their best side to ensure a second date. For those of you who frequently find yourselves on dates with people you like, but they never seem interested in you, this might be part of the problem. How often are you putting out your best self? A first date is not a time for personal baggage, complaining about ANYTHING real (this includes hating your job, ex, house, parents, president, or dinner, all of which are not fun, and that is the point of a first date-fun, or at least the illusion of it), or an impromptu therapy session. One of the most misunderstood pieces of advice that people get at the beginning of a date is "be yourself." Being yourself is important in the sense that if you don't want kids or hate the Packers, you shouldn't lie if these topics come up. It's not an invitation to act like you do with someone who has known you your whole life-bad manners, being late, being a jerk, or being a rhymes-with-witch is not what they're talking about here. Be the best version of yourself, and remember that they're looking at you just as much as you're looking at them, so if you want to win the second date, you need to keep that in mind before you start disparaging the couple at the next table.
2. Why Do You Want a Second Date?
Before you start fretting and staring at your phone, it's important to realize why you want a second date. Is it because the person is the love-of-your-life and you want to start clocking in some time before your inevitable engagement (if this is the case, step away from the Katherine Heigl movies and maybe turn down the crazy just a little bit)? Is it because the person is hot and you think you'll have sex on the next date (no judgment...maybe a little judgment)? Or is it because you think you have a lot in common?
It's that last question I want to talk about. Because there are certain things that we as a human species have in common aside from our shared love of oxygen. For example, everyone likes travel, animals, and music. These are things that you're telling yourself that you have in common to cushion the fall when you don't get a call back. Frequently when people whip out these chestnuts as the only things someone has in common with someone else after a first date A) they're not getting the second date and B) the real reason they want the second date is because the person is either hot or rich (or both!).
Instead, you should have something more than that in common, and you should be able to find that thing on a first date. Part of finding this sweet spot (you usually only have a couple of hours to find this commonality) is that you need to make sure that you're both listening and talking on the first date. This is easier said than done, because the other person (unless you both read this blog, in which case please comment as you'll be my favorite couple ever) isn't trying to find that equilibrium and either is pestering you with every question known to man or will not stop talking. Neither of these traits are particularly bad as long as they aren't at psychotic extremes (I've been out with a guy who refused to talk about himself, which was creepy, and one who never asked me a single question about myself, which felt like a personality disorder), but you might need to be a little brave and push the conversation back to a strong middle ground either by rebounding with questions or shifting the conversation to something about yourself when you find that topic that you both love.
There's a reason for this other than the fact that opposites-don't-actually-attract (sorry, Paula). Finding the hobby is going to help you get to your next date. Let's say you both love the movies or Thai food or hiking or mini golf-this is the perfect second date for the two of you! I never recommend dinner or an activity for a first date precisely because you want to save that in your back-pocket for a second date. The first date was a nice coffee, and you found your common interests. Now, do a little research (maybe find a new Thai place or a cool mini golf course you've never tried or a movie with an actor you were both discussing) and mention it the next day when you say you had a nice time together. This is a great way to increase your odds that they'll want a second date-you're not only offering up your company, but you clearly paid attention to what they were saying AND you found something they think is fun. How can they say no to that?
4. Know What Makes You Attractive
This is time for humility to go out the window. We're not saying that you tell them any of these things, but it's honesty time-what do you bring to the table? And I'm not just talking about your killer smile or your J. Lo-level bod. I'm talking about the full package here. Job, intelligence, humor, ambitions, hobbies, your cares, and yes, your looks. If it helps, find a couple of friends and ask them to describe you in three sentences or ask them to describe your three best features. If you find a consensus, this is probably your ace-in-the-hole.
And this is what you need to make a point of using on that first date to advance to the second one. I'm not saying you try to seduce them (you're not Kathleen Turner in 8 1/2 Weeks), but you need to know what's attractive about yourself so that they see that. If your attractiveness is that you're really kind and a good listener, bring that out. If your attractiveness is that you feel passionately about things, bring that out. If your attractiveness is that you have curly brown hair and ridiculously blue eyes, pop in the contacts and take off the hat. Whatever it is that baits the hook, bring it out.
This section isn't supposed to be shallow, but it is supposed to be realistic. Dating has gotten a LOT easier in the past few years with Tinder, OKCupid, and the like giving you an insanely large pool of potential mates. As a result of this, though, it's worth remembering that that person may have four other dates that week (also, you may have four other dates that week), and you want to be the memorable one. Eventually loving your full package is going to be most important, and you'll get to that. But if you really like this person, it's time to bring out the A-Game.
5. It's All About the 'Tude
I cannot stress this enough: have a good attitude on the date. No amount of physical attractiveness, fascinating life story, and insanely cool job will make up for the fact that you spent your entire date complaining. If there is one thing that I've noticed more than anything else as a turnoff, it's that people treat dates like they're hanging out with their friends. This is especially true for online dating, so remember not to be rude, late, or an asshole.
Think of it this way-no matter how many times you've texted, IM'd, or emailed, the first date will make all of that matter absolutely zilch. They aren't going to give you the benefit of the doubt because you were a sweetheart in the texts and a jerk in person. A photo's worth a thousand words, and meeting in person is worth a thousand photos. Essentially when you're meeting, it's completely for the first time, so it's not the time to be quiet, aloof, a snob, a jerk, listen to some bro code about negging (which doesn't actually work if you like the person-sorry), or in particular assume anything about this person. Be nice, be positive, be polite, and be the sort of person you hope that they are looking for (because you're looking for that too) and that second date will be so much more likely to materialize.
Those are my tips for today for getting to a second date-how about yours? What do you find works in getting that next bowl of spaghetti? Share your thoughts in the comments!
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